Stanley's Mom
by Phoenix II
Summary: When the boys turn 13, they figure out what the sixth graders meant about Stan's Mom. Stan is horrified. Boys being boys fic, no pairings.


**Stanley's Mom**

**Disclaimer: I do not own South Park, or the song "Stacy's Mom." They belong to Viacom/Matt&Trey and Fountains of Wayne, respectively. The modifications made to the lyrics were done by me. I hope they make sense.**

_Stanley's mom has got it goin' on_

_Stanley's mom has got it goin' on_

_Stanley's mom has got it goin' on_

_Stanley's mom has got it goin' on_

When the boys reached the age of thirteen, it was like flipping a switch. And it made Stan Marsh confused, angry, and above all else, bewildered. As soon as one of his classmates had their thirteenth birthday, they immediately started asking to hang out with Stan, and come over to his house. He'd been happy to get to know a lot of his classmates better, but only until he found out their motivations:

His mom.

_Stanley, can we come over after school? (After school)_

_We can hang around by the pool (hang by the pool)_

_Did your mom get back from her business trip? (Business trip)_

_Is she there or is she tryin' to give us the slip? (Give us the slip)_

_You know we're not the little boys that we used to be_

_We're all grown-up now baby can't you see?_

Everybody in South Park beyond the age of puberty knew Sharon Marsh was a MILF. She was on the level for straight guys that Liane Cartman was on for bisexual guys like Kenny, Clyde, and Tweek. Stan remembered using that in a deception to buy help from the sixth graders once upon a time, but didn't understand why all his friends wanted to nail his mom all of a sudden.

_Stanley's mom has got it goin' on _

_She's all we want, and we've waited for so long_

_Stanley can't you see, you're just not the guy we seek._

_We know it might be wrong but we're in love with Stanley's mom._

_Stanley's mom has got it goin' on_

_Stanley's mom has got it goin' on_

He hadn't really thought anything of it when Kenny had turned 13 and started hanging out more. Kenny was one of his friends anyway. And even after he found out Kenny was trying to catch his mom topless, he still didn't mind that much, because it was Kenny. Kenny liked boobs. But when Cartman, and Token, and Clyde, and Craig, and Tweek, and Jimmy, and Kevin, and Jason, and even the Goth guys started asking to come over, all at once, he started to feel a bit overwhelmed.

He asked Butters, who was gay and thus not at all interested in Stan's mom, why all the guys wanted to hang out with him so much.

"Because, moron, your Mom's a MILF," the blond replied, very morose. "Can you just give them some nudie pics of her so Kenny will start paying attention to me again?"

"That's sick!" Stan exclaimed, running to the garbage can and just barely making it before he introduced it to his lunch.

_Stanley do you remember when we mowed your lawn? (Mowed your lawn)_

_Your mom came out with just a towel on. (Towel on)_

_We could tell she liked us from the way she stared (The way she stared)_

_And the way she said "You missed a spot over there." (Spot over there)_

_And we know that you think these are just fantasies_

_But since your dad walked out your mom could use some guys like us!_

Towards the end of May, though, Stan got worried. For one, having to entertain his "friends" all the time meant Stan didn't have much time to do his homework, and was losing sleep because he had to stay up later than usual to get it done. What worried him the most, though, was the fact that Kyle's 13th birthday was coming up.

A week beforehand, Stan went over to Kyle's house to talk to his best friend about his concerns.

"Dude, I've got a problem," Stan said. Kyle didn't look up from his Algebra homework, merely muttering something along the lines of "go on."

"Well, you know you're the last person in our class whose gonna turn 13, right?" Stan asked. Kyle nodded. "All the other guys have started lusting after my mom, like, trying to see her naked and shit."

"So? Your mom's hot, dude. Just live with it," Kyle said.

"I don't want my best friend trying to fuck my mom!" Stan insisted, quite horrified.

"Well I can't guarantee that I'm not going to want to!" Kyle shot back. "I don't know how my hormones are gonna act after I hit the big one-three, and you're being a dick for trying to talk me out of something you don't even know's gonna happen."

"Fine! But if you start trying to watch my mom change clothes from the closet, I'm gonna take back my Gamesphere games!"

"You don't even play that thing anymore!"

"Well, if you start lusting after my mom, you won't either!" Stan said, heading for the door. "I'll see you at your party, dude."

"Bye," Kyle said.

_Stanley's mom has got it goin' on _

_She's all we want, and we've waited for so long_

_Stanley can't you see, you're just not the guy we seek_

_We know it might be wrong but we're in love with Stanley's mom_

Kyle's birthday came and went, and it pleased Stan to see that his best friend wasn't at his house more often than normal. Of course, over the summer, all the guys were at Stan's house almost all the time, so he couldn't really keep track of what they were all doing at any given time. He managed to keep them mostly separated into groups, tossing the bisexuals out into his treehouse with skin mags and hand lotion, putting a few more into his living room playing XBOX, and the rest in the pool.

When Kyle was over, they mostly spent time up in Stan's room watching baseball games or playing Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego on Stan's computer. Of course, Stan did have to leave his room to make periodic checks of everybody else, leaving Kyle alone for ten to fifteen minutes to make sure everybody was where they were supposed to be and doing what Stan had left them to do. He never spent long at the treehouse, having learned early on that watching three of his classmates masturbating or sucking each other made him hurl. If he heard moaning, he basically just let it lie and didn't even bother looking.

In the middle of July, after one of his between-innings checks, Stan headed back into his room and found Kyle with his pants down, one hand holding a picture frame and the other sliding up and down his dick.

"DUDE!" Stan screamed. Kyle hurriedly dropped the picture frame and yanked his pants up.

"Um…" he said, stupidly. Stan ran over and grabbed the picture frame, revealing it to be a picture of Stan's family at the beach, with Stan and Randy in swim trunks, Sharon in a bikini, and Shelley in a one-piece swimsuit. He turned to Kyle with his eyes reflecting a blazing anger.

"I'm sorry!" Kyle exclaimed. "I couldn't help myself, she's just so hot… please don't hurt me!"

"GODDAMNIT THAT'S FUCKING IT!" Stan yelled, dragging Kyle off his bed, out of his room, down the stairs and dropping him in the middle of the living room. He then went out back and told everybody in his pool to get out and get inside, and yelled the same thing to the three boys in the treehouse.

"All right, I've had it!" Stan shouted, once all the boys had been assembled. He walked around them slowly, glaring at each and every one of them. "You've been a pain in the ass ever since September! Always wanting to hang out here, in the hopes of getting a view of my mom's tits! That's fucking disgusting, you guys, and I'm sick of you guys using me! Get the fuck out of here!"

Grumbling, they obeyed. Stan flopped onto the couch, vowing never to sleep on his bed until his mom could buy him some new sheets.

_Stanley's mom has got it goin' on (She's got it goin' on)_

_She's all we want, and we've waited for so long (Waitin' and waitin')_

_Stanley can't you see, your just not the guy we seek._

_We know it might be wrong but we're in love with Stanley's mom._

A week later, Stan was regretting the decision just a little bit. Sure, they were all after his mom's boobs, but they were still hanging out with him and being friendly. And Stan was kinda bored being all alone in during summer.

He needed to find a way to defuse all his classmates' attraction to his mom fast, or else he was pretty much doomed to boredom for the rest of the summer. Staying up late, for absolutely no reason at all (Stan didn't consider the fact that he had nothing else to do a reason) one night, aimlessly flipping through the channels, he found his solution.

Pornography. And lots of it. If he gave all the other guys enough porn to last them until his Mom entered menopause, then they could get their jollies watching people take dicks every which way BEFORE they came over to Stan's house, and unless they were perpetually horny like Kenny, they wouldn't have any need to go after his Mom.

So, Stan went about DVRing various pornographic programs and films, downloading ungodly amounts of porn from the Internet using free sites and paysites his Dad subscribed to (though he puked several times while watching the kind of things Randy liked: honestly, he didn't see how those Japanese girls put up with that) over several days, burning it to DVDs until he had three boxes containing an aggregated 43,000 hours of porn of various genres ready to distribute. Writing an apologetic note explaining that while he still wanted them to be his friends, he couldn't stand them all thinking filthy thoughts about his Mom, so instead, he planned to give them all other hot women to get off to until their female classmates grew hot enough to warrant serious sexual attention. Then he put the DVDs in his backpack, hopped on his bike, and started to distribute the porn.

It took him a few days, since some kids were on vacation, but eventually he got it done. Kyle was the first one back at his door. Stan had taken care to hide family pictures in his room, so he invited Kyle right up so they could watch more baseball games, and even some porn together. Eventually, the other guys found their way back too, and Stan's house again became the happening place to be, saving Stan from utter boredom, and his Mom from the hormonal desires of a horde of teenage boys.

_We're in love with Stanley's mom_

_Stanley can't you see, you're just not the guy we seek_

_We know it might be wrong but we're in love with Stanley's mom_

-.-

**A/N: I've been working on this for a couple months now, since I haven't been able to get Stacy's Mom out of my head for a while and thought, since it's a song about a MILF, why not do a story about how Stan would react to his friends getting the hots for his mom?**

**The result is this. I'm sorry if it's terrible. The new PtD should be up sometime in the next few days.**

**P2**


End file.
